


College is hard when theres so many cute boys

by Empress_of_the_strange



Category: They Both Die at the End - Adam Silvera
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Anxiety, Eventual Fluff, Eventual Happy Ending, Eventual Smut, M/M, Panic Attacks, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-08-02
Updated: 2020-09-19
Packaged: 2021-03-06 02:42:29
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,207
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25666123
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Empress_of_the_strange/pseuds/Empress_of_the_strange
Summary: Midnight of September 5th, 2017 came and passed. Death-cast did not call Rufus Emeterio nor did they call Mateo Torrez, because they weren't dying that day. And because of this, the two strangers never met.Its January 17th, 2018 and Mateo finally finds himself signing up to college (face to face to his fathers joy), everything seems to be fine until he's approached by a really cute guy in the college library and its apparent that Mateo's anxiety is still very much there.
Relationships: Rufus Emeterio/Mateo Torrez
Comments: 6
Kudos: 27





	1. 17th January, 2018. 11:47 am

Mateo:  
My chest feels like it's going to explode. As if everything is way too tight and the pressure is just too much. This is how I'm going to die.  
No it's not, calm down you didn't get an alert, this is just a panic attack.  
Who was I kidding, thinking I could actually go to college in person, I'm not built for this. Online classes would have been fine and I could've been safely behind my screen at home instead of at the college library when he was there.  
If I had the chance I could've died right there as he mistook me for a librarian or something, cause why else would he talk to me. All I could do was go beat red at his gorgeous brown eyes and the idea that he would even acknowledge me. But his words were non-existent to me, something about where the photography books were, and all my anxious ass could do was stutter out I'm a student. His friends in the background even giggled a bit as they could see the sheen of red, coat my Puerto Rican skin.  
And now here I am, all I can do is run off to the nearest bathroom and let my anxieties loose as if I'm releasing some terrifying creature like a dragon or serpent to unleash against the main protagonist in one of my fantasy novels. Except I'm not even the main protagonist, I'm in fact the lower servant who gets in the way of the beast and is snack food on the way to kill the hero. To say the least, my anxiety is all consuming.  
I ball my fists up and use them to get the tears out of my eyes, trying to control my breathing.

Rufus:  
The pure dread that kid felt is something I get yo. Watching my family die, and having to deal with that loss and mad loneliness. Its like I was looking in a mirror. And now, listening at the bathroom door to him breaking down, all cause of me.  
I have to admit, putting him on the spot like that was bad, but I didn't think he'd react that poorly. I just wanted to talk cause he was stunning and we were in a library so what was I meant to talk about other than books.  
The plutos probably didn't help but they were laughing at me and my plan which backfired. Anyway, afterwards they wanted to head to Cannons, that's when I said I was gonna split. They wished me luck and bumped my fists.  
"How am I going to do four years of college if I have a panic attack everytime a cute guy speaks to me?" The low and quiet voice echoed from the bathroom.  
I can't not go in now.  
I push the door open ajar, the guy is standing there with his fists in his eyes but he startles at the sudden sound and scrambles for his glasses sitting on the basin.  
"Hey, yo, you okay?" I manage, completely breathless and still half hiding behind the door. I can see him in full now instead of half looks from behind shelves for the past week, and this shit ain't fair. His dark brown curls framing his face, and those lips that look soft as anything. The guy even cries beautifully!  
He seems to release a breathe that i don't think he even knew he was holding. This guy is anxious as and I don't want to say the wrong thing. Fuck I say the wrong thing too much, make the wrong decisions too much, pretty much was throwing my life away, still am to an extent. But he seemed so familiar that I couldn't help but reach out. I mean not really familiar, more so, he felt like the first glimpse of home I've had in over 6 months.  
"I'm sorry about before," my hand subconsciously rubbing the back of my head. "That was mad wrong of me, didn't mean to offend you or nothing."

Mateo:  
Is this guy serious? He's an absolute God and he's trying to console the mess that I am after he tried to talk to me? It doesn't make sense.  
I look past him down the aisle to see if his friends are waiting to see a prank unfold.  
"Seriously dude, it's just me," he follows my gaze to confirm and then turns back to face me.  
My heart is thrashing about in my throat and I feel like I'm gonna be sick. He's still waiting for an answer, staring at me with those eyes that just seem to see right through my bullshit. "I'm okay," I stammer out, but he stares at me harder in disbelief. "-ish." I finish off.  
He gives me a better look, like he respects me more for actually being honest. He nods, "I just wanted to say hi and also sorry for before. My friends have headed off but I'm still studying for a bit so I'll be around, if yeah-"  
He starts to walk out the door but my hand reaches out to catch his jumper as if on instinct. The guy looks down at my hand, tugging on the hoodie fabric, and then traces my arm back up to my mortified face.  
I need to say something now. I came to college to be brave, to have no regrets with my life when I finally get that call. I am not making this as a moment of regret. "What's your name?" My heart is beating so fast.  
His face cracks up into a smile, ear to ear. "Rufus."  
I repeat the name, seeing how it tastes on my lips. "I've always liked that name." Shit why would I say that out loud. Surprisingly it doesn't ruin the moment, Rufus still has that contagious smile on his face and it makes me that much more relieved.  
"What's yours?" There's no hesitation holding him back.  
"Mateo," I say, proud of how clear my voice sounds.  
"That's a cool name. I'll see you around, Mateo." Rufus walks away, letting my hand fall to my side and the bathroom door swing in between us. I can feel my face start to flush and a warmth spread through my chest. I have to tell Lidia about this.


	2. 17th January, 2018. 2:29 pm

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Aftermath of that spectacular, smooth sailing first meeting. Both perspectives provided.
> 
> If you like please leave kudos ❤❤

Rufus:  
What did I do? That's a great question. In short, I fucked up.  
The realisation hit me like a tonne of bricks after I'd raced down the stairs and grappled for the chain on my bike. My heart practically humming at the thought of the little smile he gave me. And I peddled, as fast as I could, I could feel the blood singing in my veins, my legs practically on fire. I rode faster than I did at my first race yo- but I'd made it to Cannons as soon as the others had just finished ordering. I added my usual French toast and chips onto their order and didn't wait to sit to tell them what'd gone down.  
"And then what?" Malcolm had said.  
"What do you mean and then what?" I said in between laboured breaths. "And then I hauled ass to come tell you about it."  
Aimee looked at Malcolm. Malcolm looked back at Aimee. Tagoe looked at Malcolm, who looked right back. Tagoe and Aimee also shared a look.  
The look was one that I knew too well. "Yo cut the shit, just tell me what idiotic thing have I done now?"  
Silence. And then Aimee. "Did you remember to ask for his number?" She was wincing as she said it.  
In response I had sunk into the booth next to them, the cracked navy blue leather seats coming up to meet me, and let my head fall to the table. This is where I have been since. Not moving even for all the food that the waitress struggled to place on the table around my head. Malcolm picked up one of my chips and tried to push it into my mouth. I obliged and ate the chip, talking around my food. "You better fuckin have clean hands, Malcolm."  
Aimee stroked my hair from across the table as everyone ate. "I was just so in the moment ya know." I said, the disappointment that I could feel laced around my body, seeped into my tone, staining my words.  
"We know man, we're sure it'll be fine," Tagoe. He let his neck twitch, a blend of relief and discomfort written on his face.  
Aimees fingers got tangled in my hair and she just stopped all together. I twist my head so I can see her, the dark expression across her face worse than the one before. "Didn't you also say that you'd be hanging around?"  
The lack of hope for the situation was bad enough, I just need to hope that Mateo ain't gonna come looking for me today. I dont like the feeling that settles in my stomach though. I sit up and pull the strings on my hoodie. Only a little room left for talking and eating. "I'm not going back there today, I don't have the energy." Time to start shovelling the French toast down my throat so I can stop talking about how badly I've already fucked this thing up. It's not even a thing yet. It's not even a goddamn anything yet. He knows my name and thats it.

Mateo:  
"Lidi-" I laugh incredulously as my phone is against one ear and my finger in my other ear outside the subway at peak hour.  
"I just dont have time, you wanna tell me about how college was? Come over and make time for you by helping out. Please Mateo, come help me, there's too much stuff to get done." She didn't try to hide her begging and I didn't expect anything else, Lidia's got a lot on her plate at the moment.  
It's another 17 minutes until the train arrives that will take me to Lidia's suburb so I sit down on a bench three quarters of the way down the platform; that way when it pulls into Lidia's station I'll be in the carriage that would lead out directly to the exit. Much less walking, much less people interaction. In the meantime there is nothing really to do but people watch. I put my earphones in but don't turn my music on and insteas listen to the music of the world peacefully, without others knowing.  
Two people go up to the ticket station, one of them asking for a free unlimited metrocard. The ticket master reviews the documents while a furious blush forms high on the cheeks the girl waiting. She checks her watch her feet tapping an unsteady rhythm on the cemented platform floors and looks over at the other girl accompanying her. Decker. She looks around my age and I automatically feel nauseous. It's not fair.  
I grip onto the edge of the metal bench, my knuckles going white from the pressure. I'm so lucky. I'm so lucky I didn't get the alert.  
Girl number 2, who is accompanying the decker, looks concerned and mumbles some words, rubbing soothing circles on the back of the dying girl. Maybe she's a friend or maybe a last friend. At the end of the day it doesn't matter though. That girl is going to be dead. Her golden and hazel eyes glazed. Her unmarred brown skin will be cold. The heart in her chest which has beaten relentlessly for years and years will falter, stutter and stand still for the rest of eternity. All of the possibilities that rage like a wildfire within her will gutter out and go silent. I glance at girl number 2, at least the girl won't be alone when it happens. I notice dampness on my face.  
You didn't get an alert today. You are safe. You have time.  
Those words that are my mantra don't seem to settle the existential dread felt in my gut.  
The train pulls in. I get up, passing the decker. She notices me staring. I avert my eyes quickly, the furrow inbetween my brows distinct and unmistakable. I still hear her crying when the train doors close behind me. I don't let myself look back.  
Lidia was overjoyed to see me, even if she showed this by giving me at least ten things to help her out with around the house. The only way I could tell her appreciation was the utter relief shining through her face and the word "godsend" which she kept muttering more to herself than to me. When all was done and Penny put to bed and wine poured, Lidia finally turned to me. "What made you come her then, huh?" She turned a cheeky smile to me, the wine already kicking into her system. "You seemed so excited over the phone."  
Anxiety pooled in my stomach. I threw her an uneasy smile, only letting some of my excitement show cause the chances of anything happening from this one small but bright and uplifting encounter are about as much chance I have of dying today...which is nill, so. "I met someone today at College," I say.  
She pushed my shoulder. "Oh my god, no way. Stop! You're saying you actually talked to someone at college, instead of just brooding in a corner?"  
"Haha, very funny." My smile slips enough that Lidia feels the need to reassure me. I wave her off.  
"Tell me more about them." An invitation. She wants to know more, not just listening out of obligation. I smile, weakly but it's there, she knows me better than anyone.  
"Well, for starters he initiated the conversation." Lidia's eyes don't stop encouraging even though I tell her about me bailing and him walking in on me having an anxiety attack. She downed her wine and kept listening to the short encounter even as I stretched it out, telling her every detail I could possibly remember. And then it was over and she still gave me that expecting look.  
"Tell me there's more," disbelief taking over her expression. "Tell me you went to see him while he was studying."  
"I didn't," I winced. "I don't think he really meant it like he probably just said it to be polite, you know?"  
Lidia facepalmed, her "Noooooo!" being muffled through her fingers.  
The yellow cotton throw over the lounge was rough under my fingers as I ran my hands over it. I didn't say anything, it was answer enough.  
"I saw a decker today on my way to yours." I dont know why I said it.  
"Did you stay away?" The mother in her showing itself. "You don't know how they're gonna go out, you can still get hurt even if you didn't get an alert."  
I wave it off. "I just couldn't stop thinking. She was our age Lidia! She was our age and had just as much life and future as us, but she doesn't get to live it. What am I doing with my life?"  
"Mateo-"  
"I didn't even ask for his number, if I died tomorrow I will die with regret because I am too much of a mess to take risks and follow what my chest pulls me towards."  
"Shh, you'll wake Penny. Mateo stop crying." She'd put her wine glass down, her small hands now encircling my trembling wrists.  
"Lidia why can't I just function normally?"  
"Chemical imbalances and all that jazz. Now stop crying or I'll slap you, there's an easy way to resolve this issue."  
A half laugh bursts from my lips, "yeah, please dont slap me. But..." My brows furrowed, "there is?"  
"Yes," her golden laugh ringing out loud. "He studies at the same college as you, just keep going to the same place in the library and I'm positive you'll run into him. Just calm down ahah, someone might think you'd be interested in more than being friends." Her eyebrows were just about in her hairline as she took a long sip of her wine.  
My mouth went dry as a desert. "I didn't mean it in that- you know we could just be friend- how could you say tha-?" I cleared my throat, closing my eyes, taking a deep breath. "I've never given you any reason to believe-" my voice was quiet but steady as it came out.  
Her hand was on my trembling hands where they were crushing the couch cushion. "Come on give me some credit I know you as well as myself, Mateo. And hey I still love you, I will love you no matter who you love. I'll only stop loving you if you die before me." I manage to look her in her eyes. "Just keep going to the library. Promise me you'll try to find him again."  
My throat is dry as I respond, "I'll try. And thank you Lidia." A warmth spread through my chest. My fingers released their tight grip on the cushions. No matter what, I'll try to find him. I refuse to my live with regret any more.


	3. 7th February, 2018. 12:07pm

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Its only when they stop trying to find eachother that they actually manage it. Disaster ensues.

Mateo:  
Maybe I should just start coming to peace with the fact that my life will end up being full of regrets. I have been coming to the college library to sit and study for three weeks straight. Choosing to sit in the photography section as Rufus had originally asked me where the photography books were. Rationally, that means he studies photography right? Right?!  
But five hours a day, every day, for the last three weeks I've looked up at every slight movement or sound to see if it was him. Everytime it wasn't.  
I can't help but think this is the biggest waste of my time. Don't get me wrong, I have never been more on top of my studies in my life, but I'm losing energy and the longer I wait here the more dread sinks in. The voice in my head has been living off whispering different scenarios into my conscious. 'He probably realised later on that day that he didn't want anything to do with me and regrets making contact,' 'Even if he did want to see me again it would only be as friends and he'd be weirded out that I stalked him for three weeks,' and last but definitely not least, 'what if he's come in and seen me waiting here and turned around and left because he doesn't want me, not even if it was my friendship.'  
Shit, why did I start thinking about this? Tears start burning the back of my throat amd I dont wait until my laptop is asleep before shutting the lid and shoving it haphazardly into my bag, grabbing hold of the rest of my books as I get up to leave. Why did I think this was a good idea? I play with my Father's ring on my finger, it's slightly too big but the gold band offers comfort and relief in moments like these.  
I can feel the small tendril of hope that has kept me here for so long already, spark up again. The 'what if' question. What if I left now and he came in and did actually want to see me but we just missed each other. The glass doors to the photography section closed shut behind me, tears threatened again as I left that small amount of hope in that room. I know I won't come back. It's a lost cause. 

Rufus:  
Fuck this, he must be avoiding me or something. Before I approached him weeks ago, he only sat in this specific section of the library - English Lit., he seems like he'd be an English major or something smart like that. Yet I've been coming here on all my days off and he's just no where to be seen. I've been dogging the plutos for this guy. To be fair they think this is my fault which I get it but like it's still unfair yo.  
Even instagram isn't distracting me.  
A text goes off. Aimee's name appears on my screen along with the message: What are we doing tonight??  
I groan and shoot back: I'm not doing anything.  
Aimee: Well we're doing something, you're turning 18, this is non negotiable.  
I can't help but groan again. Doesn't she think that maybe I don't want to celebrate my first birthday as an orphan.I have to catch myself though, they're just trying to be there for me, if anything the plutos are the ones who understand the most.  
Another notification goes off. Aimee: Meet us at my aunts place (I'll sneak us some drinks)  
My thumbs move fast over the screen: as long as Peck ain't gonna be there  
I shut my textbooks which I wasn't reading anyway, I think I started off with the intention of studying but opening the books was enough work. Instead spending my time half heartedly scrolling through my insta feed and looking at different camera's online which were too expensive but so what, I can dream.  
I shrug my backpack on and head toward the exit.  
I'm halfway down the stairs when my feet completely fail me. And I don't remember making the decision but I'm running towards him. And then he's only a few feet away. A few inches away and I feel it. Fuck. The tension. My trapped shoelaces causing me to go down in slow motion. My eyes are wide with alarm, vaguely registering Mateo's shocked face - his soft lips slightly parted with surprise, his pupils blown all the way out in an instant response - as my forehead connects with his forehead and then we're both going down. We hit the floor, Mateo hitting his head on the carpet flooring, his books splaying out around us as my body is crushing his. We're all tangled limbs as I try detaching us, working so hard to not make this anymore awkward. People walking past are looking at us, I glare at them.  
We sit up. I look at him. The gorgeous guy who's face has tugged on my heart for weeks on end. He's looking at the ground around us and I realise he's crying.  
"Mateo?" At this point I've got no control of what I'm saying, everything is just slipping out past every defence. "You're crying. Why are you crying?"  
He looks at me then, giving me a mixed expression; hurt, embarrassment, frustration, and something else, I hope it's relief.  
"My books are everywhere." His voice is so small.  
I look at him sceptically but reach around him to stack his books as he stares a hole into one spot in the flooring. I put the small tower in front of him. His tears don't stop but he looks more angry than anything.  
"Are you okay?"  
"I promise I won't cry everytime we see eachother." Mateo's words are tight, self punishing.  
I will say anything, promise anything to get that look off his face, to make sure he never has to feel like this again.

Mateo:  
"So we're going to see eachother again, huh?"  
And his voice, God that voice, cuts through the darkness shadowing over my mood and despite myself a small smile splits my face.  
"I hope so..." The words were quiet but they were out before I could stop them.  
His returning grin was damning.  
"Where have you been this whole time?"  
"Where have I been?" Rufus was laughing. "I've been in English Lit. where you generally are. Where the hell have you been?"  
My jaw dropped, my face going furiously red and I'm not sure whether to laugh or cry again or scream. My body chooses for me laughing endlessly at the situation. "I've been waiting in the photography section everyday. Every single day. I never thought you'd be where I usually am, I just thought you'd want to move on with your life after how well our meeting went."  
Rufus was just shaking his head, smiling. That smile, that perfect yet uneven smile, his one dimple, his perfect teeth. Why would anyone ever smile at me like that.  
I grabbed my books, standing up. Rufus followed, his eyes on a notification that came up on his phone. I stand waiting, averting my eyes.  
"Hey, first of all I need your number. And second," Rufus grinned as he looked up at me putting my number in his phone.  
"Yeah?" My voice was dry as it came out, so full of wanting, so hopeful.  
"Are you free tonight to come to a party?"  
My face fell. A party? That's not my scene. I tell him as much.  
He just laughs at me. "Have you ever actually been to one?"  
He's got me there. "Not really, no."  
"I'll pick you up at 6 then," his face is etched in conspiracy. I began to protest but was cut off. "Just so you can't say yes and then back out later."  
How did he read me that easily. "I could always give you a false address."  
"But you won't." And Rufus was gone.  
Actual happiness was radiating off me the whole way home. I can be anxious about the party later.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you if you've given support, it helps so much. I love these characters so much and just want them to be happy together.


End file.
